The song No Rain by Blind Melon makes me cringe.
The sight of Baxter in my gallery makes me regret the day I looked back at him when I was given two months (while my now ex-husband was in Kyrgyzstan) to get rid of him.
My facebook account has helped me to get in touch with a multitude of people I have not heard from in 10 years - family, and school mates. It has also brought with it the memory of all the dramatic shit they through in my face. (the ones I have not befriended)
The MySpace account is pointless, as only one friend continues to keep in touch to this day, though many others did wish me for my bday.
Everything I did in the last three to four years have been haunting me. Denying it will not make it go away.

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. I can't handle the truth. I've never felt this much actual physical agony. I thought it was bad while I was being tortured emotionally and mentally by my now ex-husband. I thought it was bad when I was being ripped to shreds to find out that the red-haired man I thought I fell in love with and who I thought fell in love with me was completely done with me. And he continued to torture me with mocking questions, an angry heart, and a blackened soul. I had to stay. I had to endure it. I had to keep telling myself it would be alright. I had to continue with the lie. I had to keep a smile on the outside. And I did.

Now, one single image will haunt me. All I have to do is look at it for 3 seconds, and I remember everything I thought he was before we were married. For 5 seconds, and I remember everything good and bad about the marriage - from the wedding itself to the honeymoon, to our July 2005 vacation to San Diego to the day he told me to pack my bags. For 7 seconds, and I remember the things that should not be mentioned, but that cause me to cringe in revulsion.

The myspace account was found by KEM. She had no clue what I was going through. She yelled at me, calling me a 3 year old and claiming I had not changed. But I feared for my life at the time, and was trying to hide from the one human who I feared might kill me to save himself.

Thankfully, my fears were premature and unsound.

However, thanks to my past resurfacing, I was allowed to see things more clearly. Or perhaps, it was more of a distortion.

All I know is in the end, I laughed at the "agony" I thought I was in during my marriage, at the "misery" caused by the vindictive girls I went to school with, and at the "emotional pain" I felt because "nobody loved me." I laughed so much that my little heart began to stop hurting at last. I laughed at what a fool I was. I laughed at who I held higher than myself. I laughed at all the folks I allowed to hurt me. And I laughed at how insignificant all that pain was. I laughed good and hard at myself.

And then it temporarily seemed to dissolve.

I am truly haunted by my past.

I began this account with this name because I was proud to be his wife.

Now that I am his ex-wife, and now that I realize how foolish I was for feeling the emotional turmoil I felt during that time (the most agonizing emotional and physical pain I had ever known), and during the time I was still growing up (just a childish sadness compared to all of this, and compared to that which will come), now that I realize so many things... that I am still an asshole, that I am not a nice person, and that I wish desperately that I was... but am not... no matter how hard I think I am trying... now that I am on the edge...

I am leaving.

I have left you with one page instead of four of deviations. I assume I have most saved somewhere. Most of my history has now been demolished from this website. Let's hope I was right in my assumption. To deny the past will not help me. It will only allow it to continue to haunt me.